Yes, it happened today, no matter what I tried to do to stop it. Cooper had his first day at Kindergarten. He started to morning off feeling very anxious and acting out by saying, "I'm not wearing ANY shoes!" He drug his feet and scrunched up his face until we finally had to push him out the door. He insisted on riding his bike, so we went along. Anything to distract him from his worries. It seemed that each rotation of the tires released a little more of his stress, because by the time we made it to school he had a smile on his face. He was quiet when we got into his classroom, but seemed to fall right into place. We found his seat, his locker and his nametag and he was ready to start his day.
It was beyond words, all the emotions I've had today. Fear, Sadness, but mostly I just realized how much I'm going to miss him! To all you moms who are sitting at home with babies who are throwing up, pooping, screaming all over you and you think you'd rather be anywhere but there...pick up those babies and squeeze them tight. Put down the phone, shut down the computer, stop folding that laundry and play, play, play with your little ones, right this minute! I just keep wondering...did I read enough, play enough, sing enough, hug enough, encourage enough, laugh enough, do enough? Was my time with him well spent? Have I done a good job? Because if not, I'm out of time.
Then the Lord reminds me that he chose me to be Cooper's mother before I was ever born. He has equipped me with every good thing that he needs, and maybe even the bad stuff too. For whatever I'm lacking or whatever I may have missed, He will do more than I could ever ask or imagine in Cooper's life! I'm so thankful that I have HIM as my safety net, to pick up any slack that I may have left and to fill me each and every day with everything I need to raise and minister to these boys!
Thanks to everyone that was thinking of and praying for us today! It has been a very emotionally draining day, and I'm off to take a LONG bath and go to bed!
I'll leave you with a letter I decided to write to Cooper today...you might need a tissue or box, followed by some pictures from today.
Dear Cooper,
Today is the first day that you start slipping out of my fingers. I’ve held your head up, when you couldn’t hold it up on your own. I’ve held my breath watching you sleep, thinking “I could never possibly love anyone this much!” I’ve held your face in my hands to say countless words of love, discipline and just plain silliness. I’ve held your hand; to cross the street, to calm you down, to attempt to show how much I love you... And now, I have to hold that hand, and place it in the hands of someone else.
No one told me that loving could hurt this much! No one told me that letting go could feel like someone ripped a piece of your heart out and you have no say and no stopping it! No one told me that you would have to dig so deep inside to find the faith to trust God to keep this precious child safe, loved, cared for by someone you’ve only met for five minutes and have no clue who they really are.
As you begin this new and exciting journey in your life, this is my prayer for you;
I pray that each day would bring new and exciting things to your eyes. Things that amaze and entice you to want to learn more!
I pray that God would lead you to lasting and uplifting friendships that will grow your faith and walk with Him!
I pray that your light would shine so brightly, that each person who came in contact with you would notice and seek out the source of that light, and I pray that you would be bold to tell them that Jesus is the light of your life!
I pray that you would find confidence and success as you learn. That you would be a person who preservers when others choose to give up.
I pray that you would never doubt that mommy and daddy are here to support, love and cheer you on as you find the highs and lows of life are not always easy to manage on your own.
Letting you go, means letting you soar! As hard as this day has been for me, I trust that the Lord has spectacular things in store for you! You have so much to offer this world, and I would be selling the world short to keep you home with me until you’re 35. You are insightful, articulate, kind, joyful, intelligent, hilarious, strong willed, a natural leader, you are…my son, and I love you more than any man made device could ever measure or capture or contain.
So you go out there and knock one out of the park for me! I have no doubt that you will make mommy and daddy so proud! You are the joy of my life and I am so proud of you!
My love always,
Mommy
(And yes, you have to call me mommy until your 35!)
One last look...and he's off to a great day!
4 comments:
Oh my, thanks for bringing on the tears!
I am sitting here thinking, "I still have a year... I still have a year..." while crying my eyes out! AHHHH!
But, it sounds like he had a good day and that you are both going to be fine! : )
michelle, this is exactly what i needed to hear! i was already hearing the Spirit tell me to turn off the computer (and the Barney video keeping my 2 y/o occupied!) and engage my little girl.
"it's a good thing you can't see my heart"...
so aptly put.
i'll definitely need to draw from your wisdom when my time comes for school to start in a few years!
school...what is this you are talking about. They have to go to school? I wish we could play dumb like that and keep them home FOREVER!
I wish we could have done this together but your example will help me next year when it my turn(gulp).
Yea for Copper for making it through his big day...and even having a little smile. One Small Step for Cooper...one giant leap for Mommy! How many more times will we have to remind ourselves that God is in charge of our babies and that they are ours for just a little while...oh such a hard truth! :) Praying that this will be an exciting year for you both!
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